A Hedge

I’m trying to get in shape. Don’t laugh. You’re laughing, aren’t you? Seriously, stop it. I mean it, stop. It’s not funny! Okay, if you know me at all, you know that it’s hilarious. Even more hilarious… HOW I’m trying to get in shape. Dancing with the Stars workout videos.

One of these maybe?

I have zero coordination. I sometimes find it difficult, while eating, to get the fork into my mouth without stabbing myself in the cheek. So, combine that awkwardness with dance moves at a fast tempo, plus out-of-shape me, and I use my frequent breaks for water and prayer sessions. During those prayer sessions, I ask for a “hedge of protection.”

In Job, Satan acuses God of putting a “hedge of protection” around him, so that Satan can’t harm Job. When hedges of protection are taken down, in Psalms and Isaiah, people and property are hurt.

My prayers for a hedge do not cover me. My panted prayers are for the TV, which I cannot afford to replace right now, my couch that my parents just graciously gave to me, and an antique murphy bed (circa 1802) that, if I had a prized posession, would be it. It’s far more likely that I will irreperably damage one of these three things than it is that I will whip this tired body into shape.

Jon Acuff, in Stuff Christians Like, said leafy green hedges don’t really cut it anymore. He thinks we should be praying for fiercer alternatives, a beaded curtain of wasps, a trampoline moat of lions, a rugby scrum of angels… and I think any of those would probably be scary to behold, but might not protect my possessions from destruction at my clumsy feet.

When my girls started walking, I dutifully covered the coffee table edges and hearth with those bumper guard thingies. It created a protection for the kids and kept teething Wendy from chewing the corners of the table — double whammy. I created a foam rubber hedge…

I feel like God sometimes puts obstacles (because that’s what hedges are) in my life, to keep me from making big, destructive mistakes. Maybe not a moat of lions jumping on trampolines, but just enough to slow me down, give me pause and soften the sharp edges, and that keeps me safe.

What are the hedges you’ve encountered?

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6 responses to “A Hedge

  1. >>What are the hedges you’ve encountered?

    He breaks my will like a wild stallion whenever I get too big for my britches. He does this by sending people my way who know far more than I do, and they stump me and force me to realize I just ain’t as awesome as I like to think my reflection tells me daily.

    Mature Christians are the hedge our Father puts about me. Someday I hope to be a mature Christian. But it just isn’t today. Maybe tomorrow.

  2. I know I don’t know you well enough to laugh at the fact that you are trying to get in shape but…I happily laugh at anyone using Dancing With The Stars workout videos. Seriously, I el oh el’d when I read that.

    This is fantastic, friend.

    • It’s pretty comical. For me, it’s better than the going to the gym, where everyone would potentially see me flip over a machine or crash a stationary bike.
      I’m slowly getting over my self-consciousness, though. Two pregnancies and deliveries, plus raising children, will gut your self-consciousness for you…

  3. I don’t which is worse….a Dancing With the Stars workout DVD or a Bollywood workout DVD. Either way….I own both of them. They are currently collecting dust sandwiched between much more popular DVDs such as Spaceballs, Tombstone, Love Actually, and….Ghostbusters. Yes, I watch Ghostbusters more than I bust out my Bollywood workout DVD.

    If it weren’t for the obstacles that God places in my life to slow me down…I would have energizer-bunnied my way into way more unfortunate situations than I currently do. I just blogged about having patience regarding dreams or goals we have in our lives. Just like your goal to get in shape…you’re not going to be lifting clown cars in the air like Jillian from the Biggest Loser (she didn’t actually do that….yet. But she totally could.) within the next two weeks. But if you make your goal to keep moving forward no matter how long it takes to see results or reach your goal; you will be successful. It’s not a race.

    HUGS to you and prayers for your furniture… 🙂

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