Chuck-E-Cheese is worse than Vega$

I’m still a bit shell shocked from our afternoon at Chuck-E-Cheese. We didn’t eat there. I learned that lesson months ago, the hard way. Trust me on this and your digestive system will undoubtedly thank you, don’t eat the pizza. In addition, and I say this because I love you, Chuck-E-Cheese is the the real Sin City.


It’s got it all, Gluttony (see above, but I repeat, DON’T EAT), Lust (for prizes), Wrath (they can’t fix the dang game that just stole my token?!), Envy (look at all those tickets that kid has!), Pride (I’m the world’s best at this game), Greed (taking turns is for losers) and Sloth (because you didn’t listen to me and ate the crappy food, and now you can’t move).

I know it’s a popular place for kids’ birthday parties, and my kids are head-over-heels for the place, but I’m telling you, it changes you. You might as well pack the kiddies off for a weekend in Vegas, because this Mouse’s house is a virtual Hotel California.Here is my evidence:

1) It looks evil – glossy-eyed children, pushing and shoving, and more than a little impatient foot stamping.

I Thessalonians 5:22 – Abstain from all appearance of evil.


2) It sounds evil – squeeling, pinging and breathless swearing. My own three year old, upon encountering a broken game, uttered a single “damn” before turning away to another one. WHAT!? where did that come from?She must have learned it there, because she didn’t learn it from me.

3) You get a hangover just from entering – I’m still recovering. That was Thursday. I shook the desperation off my sandals when I left, but I still feel the place clinging to me like the greenish-yellow pollen blanketing my car.

I don’t expect you to avoid it, entirely. If you know children, you’ll probably have to enter the double-doors of torment. You’ll receive your stamp upon entering, which allows you to buy tokens (ahem #markofthebeast) and then the whole wide world of wailing and whining awaits.

Come to think of it, Vegas has the moral edge on C-E-C, and much better edibles. I cannot save you from Chuck-E-Cheese, but I do caution you: DO NOT EAT THE FOOD!

Which location do you put on par with Hades? Have you ever been to the 9th circle of cheese?


20 responses to “Chuck-E-Cheese is worse than Vega$

  1. So you’re saying that next time you’re taking your girls to Vegas?

    I haven’t been to Chuck E Cheese in probably 20 years. I don’t plan on going there any time soon.

  2. We don’t have a Chuck E Cheese here. I’m sure there are probably somewhere in Canada…but not in my area…thankfully!

  3. The sad part is that some people think you are joking. Oh no! C E C is hell. I’ve went once to celebrate my daughter’s 3rd birthday and even today I wake up in cold sweats while shaking uncontrollably. Run parents run!!!,

    • I second this. I don’t want to over-dramatize it, but really… RUN!

    • Seems like every 3 yo on earth wants to have their party there. Since Christmas, we have been there 4 times for birthday parties. Since Christmas, I have woken up in the middle of the night 4 times in the bathtub, in a fetal position, with my thumb in my mouth? Coincidence?

      (Btw I agree… Dante has nothing on Mr. Chuckie.)

  4. It was easily 20 years since I’ve been to C-E-C, but from what I remember, it was EPIC! Course, I was a kid then, so that might be why. Ha!

  5. Check out their website for locations and they cut Wyoming and Vermont out the map. I’m fortunate that Canada does not have a location yet. But interestingly, they have locations in Chile, Guatemala and the Middle East.

  6. I met my pastor and his family at the CEC a few years ago. Met them there. I went inside before they arrived because I thought a guy without kids hanging out in CEC looked LESS creepy than a guy without kids HANGING OUT IN THE PARKING LOT of CEC. Bottom line, I should have planned on being late, but I just can’t do that. Thankfully, I was able to have a theological conversation and keep Bro Ben sane amidst the bells and whistles of the evil mousekowitz.

    • you are a better man than I. that’s probably obvious, since I’m not a man at all. At any rate, I’m glad you were able to retain your soul and protect that of your pastor.

  7. I’ve never thought about it, but now I’m glad things are different here in São Paulo. Here, you rent a place for the day that has small rides, arcade games and of course tables. They serve the common brazilian typical birthday-party food and they allow you to decorate the place with your favorite theme (usually using rented materials as well).
    My nephew’s first birthday party was last week, and my sister and her husband had the place decorated after his favorite DVD, which is a musical based on Noah’s story and the ark that was recorded by one of the major worship leaders in Brazil.
    They also let you choose the music that will be played, so my sister took her christian children’s music CDs and they played them during the party. That was a lot of fun for the kids and for the grown-ups as well. BTW, the non-christians usually don’t get bothered with that, they show up and show respect.
    Of course we have people that celebrate their kids’ birthday in McDonald’s, because it’s cheaper (it’s not common, I’ve never met anyone who did it, but some people do), but it is still better than what you described…

    • That does sound much more civilized and less scary. I’m going to suggest destination parties for toddlers from here on out – we’ll travel to Brazil to do it right!

  8. hehehe, thanks for the Advice, ill take care 🙂

  9. I think I’ve been in CEC once, for a friend’s child’s birthday party. When I was growing up, there was no CEC nearby, but rather a Showbiz Pizza. CEC bought it out several years ago, which is why it was a CEC when I last went. I have some fond memories of the Showbiz, and also still a bag somewhere containing a few hundred no longer usable Showbiz tickets and a couple of tokens, I think. :>

    Showbiz had better pizza than CEC. It also had (and presumably still has if they haven’t fallen apart) animatronic bears and mouse that sang on stage in the dining hall. There are certain songs to this day that I cannot hear without seeing them sung by the animatronic animals in my mind. Chiefest among these is Feliz Navidad.

    • I remember Showbiz pizza too, from way back when. I think I had a birthday party there about 3-4 years old. Animatronic bears and mice are what nightmares are made of 😉 Feliz Navidad, my friend!

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