Tag Archives: humor

Advice against the advice

Today, I inch toward infamy, er, famosity, no, dang, I don’t know where I rank on the famous scale, but I am busting out of the format I’ve created here on Messiah Mom to guest post for my good buddy, Knox McCoy.

A few weeks ago, he wrote a piece about the wealth of knowledge in Men’s Health Magazine, and I thought it was ridiculously funny and well-researched, so, of course, I thought, I can write one better. 😉

That led to this: Let Me Call You Prince Kissy Face, a blog post about copper lipstick, Sesame Street, cuddle grenades and worst of all – pet names for your partner.

Why haven’t you clicked on the link yet? Are you afraid Cosmo will tell you that you’re doing life all wrong? it probably will, but I still think you have cool potential.

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Wet the Altar

Twice a year, I do an overhaul cleaning in my home. I think more often than that would be spoiling the house, letting it think cleanliness is the status quo, rather than a special treat. So, you can imagine that in the intervening 6 months, things can get pretty messy.**

 I always feel this HUGE sense of accomplishment as my house transforms from the set of the Munsters into Stillwater CottageTM by Kinkade. No, seriously, it looks just like that, swan and everything. Don’t judge, I just like a challenge.

That reminds me of when Elijah was delivering his You-Got-Served smackdown to the prophets of Baal. He trash talks ‘em, taunts them with “your god must be sleeping or too busy with his conversation” to come display his godly chops.

 Meanwhile, Elijah’s preparing a burnt sacrifice and waters down the altar, to show off. They dig a trench and pour so much water on it, that the trench fills. When God shows up, he consumes the whole thing, water and all, with fire. Then those prophets of Baal were all, like, Holy Shoji Tabuchi, Batman! That altar is on FIRE!

It’s like my house before the cleaning – marinated in junk and dust, the breeding ground for a cleansing miracle (and allergens that make me green around the gills). I am fairly sure we do that with our spiritual life, too. We water down the altar, so that when God shows up – there’s no question about the change. As I see it, there are three levels of saturation:

Level 1: Stop reading the Bible.

 It’s passive and doesn’t take much commitment. It cuts off the air supply that the fire would feed on. No kindling, no fire. You don’t have the Word in your heart? That’s good!

You don’t need the lamp, because God’s going to engulf your life with spiritual fire… when it happens, jump back!

Level 2: Pick up a sinful habit.

Depending on the church you attend, this could be a bit more difficult. If your church is pretty permissive, it’s going to be hard to find a good gateway sin with which to water down your altar. My church is on the liberal side – we’re cool with the dancing, drinking, smoking and gluttony (see Sunday potlucks), so, I’m going to go with…. Littering. It is a sin that nicely parallels my bi-annual cleaning example.

Let’s see God consume my altar when I graduate to Messing with Texas.

Level 3: Call God Out

The weekend before the Great House Cleaning, I start chanting under my breath “the house will clean itself… the house will clean itself.” As C-day approaches, I ramp up the effrontery, “we have self cleaning ovens, toilets, and even UNDERWEAR… surely this could be an undercover self-cleaning abode.” Do this with God. Start the reverse-psychology… a real God would take my hardened heart, lack of prayer life, refusal to read the Bible and sins and still light my life on Fire. If he were any kind of God, he could still do amazing work through my sodden spiritual self.

Chances are, you’ll get a fire, all right, complete with eau de sulphur and a hint of brimstone.  After all the water you’ve used to soak that altar in your heart, when God ignites your sacrifice, it’s going to be a bonfire visible from the International Space Station.

How do you challenge God?

What feats do you include to add another level of difficulty to setting your life ablaze?

**Situation only typical for blog posts. It’s probably more often than that.

A fruitcake on fruitcake

Today is Fruitcake Day! Did you know? Is it circled in red on your calendar? Do you sit, shaking with dread, at the thought of someone gifting you with a fruitcake? No worries, because, I have solutions. That’s right, SOLUTIONS!

Here, my dear friends is a list of potential uses for fruitcake, from your own dear fruitcake. (Note, some of these ideas come from the interwebz – and I didn’t think them up, first)

1) Door stop.
2) Paper weight
3) Pin cushion
4) Canon fodder
5) Cement Shoes
6) Burglar bar
7) Railroad tie
8 ) Pumice stone
9) Iron
10) Missile

There is one place to get good fruitcake, and its the Collin Street Bakery in Corsicana. If your fruitcake came from somewhere else, put it to good use.

Did you get a fruitcake this year? Is it like a Polaroid – do you have to burn them to destroy them? What’s your favorite fruitcake use?

Christian Pick-up lines

This week is Intimate Relationships in my class, the week where we discuss why we choose to form romantic relationships with others… it’s always good for a bit of jaded discussion, sappy overstatement and blase’ acceptance of the social conventions surrounding love.

I know there are Christian dating services and the ever-popular friend set-up, not to mention I’ve been set-up on a date by my mother before!?!?!?! but, part of what I’m teaching is the cold-question, better known to the world as the pick-up-line. I’m not teaching students HOW to pick up guys or girls, but to know the stages of relational development, and that sometimes starts with an opening line. These are usually wildly unsuccessful, but I’ve had a few people tell me that if you use them in the right context with the right person, there’s a chance…

If you’re staring at the object of your affection of the pot-luck hot dish line, and you’re ready to strike up a conversation, what do you say first? How do you approach?

If you were going to write Christian pick-up lines (that might even work!), what would they be?