Perils of young love and other school plagues

Mia has a love/hate relationship with a boy in her class. She loves him, he, well… you get the idea. To protect the poor boy, shall we call him…. Tim? (try not saying that like the Monty Python Holy Grail character. Go on, try).

First, she talked about him non-stop.  Even three-year-old Wendy had taken to teasing in a sing-song voice about Mia’s boy-oy-friend. Then, she related stories of how mean Tim was to her. Finally, after I let her engage in some art therapy white board and dry-erase markers, she created a picture of his name, a green & pink striped heart, underscored by an angry black “X.” She interpreted her picture to mean that Tim broke her heart.

Tim has so invaded her psyche that the other night, she claimed she couldn’t sleep because she couldn’t stop thinking about him. Six years old, and already, insomnia strikes because of a male. I thought I would write her a letter.

Dear Mia:

This probably won’t be the last time a boy breaks your heart. It probably won’t be the last time that someone you thought was a friend didn’t love you in the way you love them, when your kindness is repaid with a cold shoulder and your soft heart melts against their icy one.

Let me tell you as your mom, as someone who has been brokenhearted, as someone who may have broken a heart and as someone who wants nothing more than for your heart to remain whole and pure and full… don’t stop loving because Tim in Kindergarten said he didn’t like your pigtail and didn’t want to play monsters and princess at recess.

If you guard your heart, you miss it. It is the butterfly in your stomach when the person you’ve had a crush on since you can remember, asks you to dance. It is the pads of fingers interlaced with yours on a first date. It is a timid kiss on the walk to your door. It is bringing you feel-better food when you’re sick. It is that one glance that makes the world stop.

The most dangerous thing about love is giving up on it too soon. Mia, there are many communicable diseases we fight in this life, cold, flu, strep, stomach bugs, and you have caught all of those at school at one time or another, but love is a malady you should aim to keep. Don’t fight this one, Mia Bee. Just because your heart’s been broken, don’t create love antibodies. There is love out there for you.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds – Psalm 147:3

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I’m telling you what I wish someone had told me when I had my first heartbreak – give your best gifts away (don’t take this the wrong way… some things you should KEEP, but we’ll have that talk later). I wish I had given love where I had the chance and received in when it was offered. Love: the real, live, hopeful, dizzying, giddy love that rushes to your head and kapow’s your heart like a Batman episode.

So, what I want you to take away from all this, my beauty, is that I’m going to keep praying for you to keep your heart open as it heals. I’m also going to pray that Tim never meets Wendy, because I think she has some retaliation in mind for the boy who hurt her “stiss-ter.”

Give it to me straight: what was your first heart-break?

Loving First Wins

Mia and I play a game.

I love you.

I love you more.

I love you most.

I love you mostest.

I love you bigger than the Earth.

I love you bigger than Outer Space.

I love you more than infinity.

I love you more than infinity squared.

I love you more than infinity cubed.

I haven’t extended the math lesson, there, to explain about how infinity can neither be squared, nor cubed. I haven’t extended the English lesson to cover the nonexistence of the word “mostest.”

Mia thinks that whoever says “I love you more than infinity cubed” wins the game, because it’s the biggest thing she can imagine. After multiple repetitions, she’s learned that in order to win this game, she has to say “I love you” first. (To her credit, she’s also learned that if I say “I love you” first, she just has to add in “most-est-est” and it all comes out right).

For God so loved the world, that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish, but have everlasting life. – John 3:16.

Really, in the “I love you” game, no one loses. Even if Mia gets to say “I love you more than infinity cubed,” I win, because I’m loved infinity to the third power, and with that much love, how could I lose?

What games do you play with your kids? How have you loved someone else first this week?

What’s your excuse?

She’s 3.5 years old. She stands 41” tall. She weighs exactly 36 lbs and has a bicep measuring a whopping 6” around. She cries if you forget apple juice at snack, but here’s what she did for Jesus today:

She helped make and move boxes

Helped sort all the shoes

She laid out the shoes by size

And rubber band the shoes in pairs

Messiah had a shoe drive to benefit Soles for Jesus and our local Cypress Assistance Ministry. The church donated 340 pair of shoes, which needed to be divided, paired, boxed and shipped.

Command those who are rich in this world’s goods not to be haughty or to set their hope on riches, which are uncertain, but on God who richly provides us with all things for our enjoyment – 1 Timothy 6:17

 

Wendy, at 3.5 was so excited to help kids around the world with their soles (and souls), that she threw herself into her volunteer duties, and then cried when it was time to leave.

What you don’t see pictured is that she and I went to the store to buy more boxes, and she helped carry the packing tape. What you don’t see is that she lovingly packed boxes full of kids’ shoes to send overseas. What you don’t see is how she jumped on piles of cardboard before we added them to the giant, green recycling bin. What you don’t hear in the pictures is her utterly cheerful commentary as she moved among the shoes. What you don’t know is that Wendy has a heart for helping.

Let’s review the stats, 3.5 years old, 41” tall, 36 lbs and tiny little muscles. And she worked. She was a good steward of her time and energy, even though she has no idea what stewardship means.

What’s your excuse? What outreach programs are you a part of?

Scent of Heaven

It is a truth universally acknowledged that babies smell heavenly. They just have that new human smell. At 6 and 3, my children still smell divine … right out of the bathtub, a mixture of pinkly-scrubbed flesh and Baby Magic.

Last night, they wanted me to lay down between them in their bed. It’s an uncomfortable routine for me, laying there on my stomach, patting one while rubbing the other’s eyebrow (it puts her to sleep, what can I say?). Eventually, they tire; feet shuffling and pillow plumping cease, and they yawn once more before their mouth falls slack.

Perfumes and incense brings joy to the heart – Proverbs 27:9

 

For many minutes, I’m scared to leave. Moving tends to wake the little beasts, and besides, I can hover close to them, soaking up that clean aroma, mixed with the minty remnant of toothpaste on their breath and a hint of lavender laundry detergent on their fresh-from-the-dryer nightgowns. They look like angels.

Soft curls framing Mia’s face, a tendril ending just shy of her mouth, slightly ajar, and revealing her missing top teeth. Wendy’s straight hair falls like a curtain around her heart-shaped cheeks and chin. After gazing awhile at their innocent faces, sliding myself toward the foot of the bed, I stop. I shouldn’t have stopped, but I heard something rumbling that sounded like a battery-powered toy under the covers.

It wasn’t a toy. It was Wendy’s stomach. And then, with my face inches from her midsection, she emits the most powerful fart I’ve ever witnessed. And within milliseconds, the olfactory sensation of what I believe tear gas to be, fills my nostrils and leaves me gasping for air. My face turns a sickly green and my eyes begin to water.

Moment over. Mood irrevocably crushed. How quickly that sweet smell of post-bath-beauty is squelched beneath the oppressive musky odor of methane! How deceptive are the sweet looks that hide the horrendous bowels!

Tell me about your passing-gas horror story. What type of cologne/perfume do you wear?

Green In, Green Out

Wendy and I made lunch yesterday, from a kit labeled “Space Alien Pizza.” It was a gift from my cousin, and Wendy might have been a little eager** to try it out.

**Note, when I say “eager,” I mean like possum on sweet potato, Piper on Bell, pit bull on mailman. She couldn’t wait.

I got her started, in her apron, hat, step-stool. We pulled out the cheese and pepperoni and were ready to “roll” 🙂 What I failed to realize is that “Alien” pizza means it’s green. Wen and I proofed the yeast, and then turned to the dough base, and noticed that it came out of the foil wrapper green. We mixed it with the yeast and formed a green ball.

The snot dough ball had to rise, so we watched a movie and colored. Together, we rolled out the green dough. Together, we spread the sauce. Together, we sprinkled cheese. I let her orchestrate her own pepperoni placement and I put our Alien pizza in the oven.

It was green out of the box, it was green being rolled into a ball, it was green when we rolled it out and green when we covered it with sauce, cheese and pepperoni. Somehow, Wendy seemed surprised that it was green emerging from the oven! She declared she would not eat green pizza.

The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him – Luke 6:45

 

I ate the pizza, but I’m pretty sure pizza shouldn’t be green.

We’ve probably all had a Wendy moment, but we forget, when you put green in, you get green out. If good things go in, good things come out. Evil things go in, evil things come out.

Have you ever been surprised by the result of your effort? What things should never be green?

Chuck-E-Cheese is worse than Vega$

I’m still a bit shell shocked from our afternoon at Chuck-E-Cheese. We didn’t eat there. I learned that lesson months ago, the hard way. Trust me on this and your digestive system will undoubtedly thank you, don’t eat the pizza. In addition, and I say this because I love you, Chuck-E-Cheese is the the real Sin City.

Barely

It’s got it all, Gluttony (see above, but I repeat, DON’T EAT), Lust (for prizes), Wrath (they can’t fix the dang game that just stole my token?!), Envy (look at all those tickets that kid has!), Pride (I’m the world’s best at this game), Greed (taking turns is for losers) and Sloth (because you didn’t listen to me and ate the crappy food, and now you can’t move).

I know it’s a popular place for kids’ birthday parties, and my kids are head-over-heels for the place, but I’m telling you, it changes you. You might as well pack the kiddies off for a weekend in Vegas, because this Mouse’s house is a virtual Hotel California.Here is my evidence:

1) It looks evil – glossy-eyed children, pushing and shoving, and more than a little impatient foot stamping.

I Thessalonians 5:22 – Abstain from all appearance of evil.

 

2) It sounds evil – squeeling, pinging and breathless swearing. My own three year old, upon encountering a broken game, uttered a single “damn” before turning away to another one. WHAT!? where did that come from?She must have learned it there, because she didn’t learn it from me.

3) You get a hangover just from entering – I’m still recovering. That was Thursday. I shook the desperation off my sandals when I left, but I still feel the place clinging to me like the greenish-yellow pollen blanketing my car.

I don’t expect you to avoid it, entirely. If you know children, you’ll probably have to enter the double-doors of torment. You’ll receive your stamp upon entering, which allows you to buy tokens (ahem #markofthebeast) and then the whole wide world of wailing and whining awaits.

Come to think of it, Vegas has the moral edge on C-E-C, and much better edibles. I cannot save you from Chuck-E-Cheese, but I do caution you: DO NOT EAT THE FOOD!

Which location do you put on par with Hades? Have you ever been to the 9th circle of cheese?

Amelia Explains It All – Teeth

I’m a firm believer that we should all cut our teeth on the Gospel as baby Christians – graduate from milk to solid food, then really sink our teeth into the more difficult passages of Scripture. And now for something ALMOST completely different…. Amelia Explains it All about Teeth.

I love that, at the end, she tells us how to keep our teeth healthy by eating good foods. I’m assuming that includes a whole host of greens Mia hasn’t touched since she stopped eating baby food, like peas and spinach. But, Mia is a firm believer in “do as I say and not as I do” which is very different from me, you know.

Speaking of different, her sister, Wendy, wanted to get in on this video action, too, so, she chooses to talk about, what else? birds. again. wow.

What did YOU think the tooth fairy wanted all those teeth for? Do you ever give advice you don’t follow? What kind of sheets should birds have?

7 kids on caroling

According to one of my bizarre and wacky holidays calendars, today is “Go Caroling Day.” I’m lazy busy today, so, I had some friends interview a few Future Carolers of America and found some substantial results from these tiniest of samples.

Our subjects are: Mia(5, but really almost 6), Wendy (3), Steven (4), Norah (6), Lucy (4) and two delightful boyish imps – Boo (6) and Monkey (6).

Some got it and were able to articulate an answer to “What’s your favorite Christmas song? and why?” 
Mia: White Christmas, because it has 2 songs in one song, like you sing one song and then “I’m dreaming of a White Christmas” and then sing some more and then “I’m dreaming of a White Christmas” (2 verses)
Norah: All I Want for Christmas is my 2 front teeth. ‘Cause it has lots of S’s ’cause he wants his two front teeth back. Merry Christmas has too many S’s to say for someone without two front teeth.
Lucy: Jesus Loves Me this I know (with ASL signs) ‘Cause it’s well, like my favorite song. Well, I have another one too. That one is just my number two favorite song because it has hard parts. My number 1 favorite song is Jesus Loves the Little Children of the World ’cause they are Christmas songs and church songs and Christmas is about Jesus.
Monkey: My most favorite Christmas song is Silent Night. It’s my favorite, because it’s really pretty.
Boo: I wish you a Merry Christmas

And then there was Wendy. Her favorite “Christmas” song was “Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral” and “Down in the River to Pray” ran a close 2nd.

But after that is where the normal interviews ended, for the most part. Let me highlight a few of the more interesting (and with kids, what’s NOT interesting?) details.

Q: What kind of Christmas song would you write? Monkey: Silent Night. Boo: I would write the one that is on here (pointing to the interview paper).

Q: Why don’t you think Christmas carols are good? Steven: because there’s a ghost, and there are monters. Q: Ohh… I don’t mean “A Christmas Carol,” I mean songs.

Q: What song do you want to hear on Christmas? Lucy: I want a Hippopatomus for Christmas. Because it’s funky. FUNKY! Norah: Boogie Woogie Santa Claus! ’cause I like how it sounds. Lucy: How about Boogie Woogie WATSON Claus? (Watson is their dog).

They all agreed that they love to sing songs, Christmas or otherwise, and had some creative words:

Norah: <singing Away in a Manger>
Lucy: It’s little LORD Jesus, Norah. Not Little BOY.
Norah: No. MY church sings it little BOY <sings again>
Lucy: Norah, you sing it the way it is not so special. But the way my teacher sings it is much more specialer.

Steven: Frosty the Snowman was a journey ,happy sleigh. He was made of snow, but the children know why the Earth made out of coal. Frosty the Snowman.

Finally, I’m going to have to write a check to little Norah Berry, who said: Are we really going to be famous? I hope lots of people read this because maybe then the mayor will read it and then we will be REALLY famous because anything the mayor reads, like, will go down in history!

And let’s hope the Mayor is reading.

My suggestion for Go Caroling Day? Go Caroling, and for goodness sakes, take a kid.

My love/hate for Miss Patty Cake

It’s October. In this month, we celebrate several birthdays (Wendy’s, my mom’s, mine, my ex-husband’s, my brother-in-law’s…), we dress up for trick-or-treating at the local mall (my girls both wanted to be Tiana from The Princess and the Frog this year) and I get Candy Corn!!! But there’s something else that happens in October that very nearly reverses all the good feeling of the aforementioned October gems. In October, I let the kids break out the Miss Patty Cake’s Christmas! because I am hoping to speed my descent into the bowels of the Christmas season, or because I can’t take the whining anymore, you choose.  

The door to hours of "enjoyment"

If you don’t know who Miss Patty Cake is, with her oversized green jumper, the hat, that voice, the songs, oh, the songs…. then consider yourself lucky. No, really, kneel immediately and kiss the floor in your family room, right in front of the TV, because you’ve never had to sit and watch an episode (or worse, a whole day) of Miss Patty Cake’s Easter Parade or Silly Song Sing-A-Long. Hate might be a strong word for this woman, especially since Miss Patty Cake is just a character she plays. I know she’s just a character, because what parents would name their daughter Patty Cake? I went to school with Candy Kane, nevermind.

The first time I experienced Miss Patty Cake, Mia was not yet three and Wendy was a newborn. A friend found out that MPC was coming to a church near us, so we packed up our brood of children and took them down. I didn’t get to see much of the show, because Wendy was nursing and really hungry, so I went to find a quiet place to feed her. When it was all over, Mia was EXCITED about Miss Patty Cake and the Christmas story and wanted to take home a DVD. Sure, why not? This is the Christian story of Christmas and she was going to learn all about how Jesus came to Earth as a baby.

I was contentedly ignorant until we got home, opened up the DVD, put it in the player and saw that it had the option for Repeat Play. At that age, Mia more than knew how to operate the remote, and she selected Repeat. OH.MY.CHESTNUTS. It was as if Fran Drescher had made a Christmas special aimed at preschoolers. Here’s where the love part comes in for me. I watched it all that first time, and it was a sweet story. MPC does a good job of explaining the meaning behind each piece in the nativity, the decorations on the Christmas tree and has catchy tunes that are not your typical Christmas songs for kids to sing. I love that.

I hate that from October to December, I am subjected to the same inane lines and high-pitched tinkle, constantly. They watch it multiple times per week, and if I’m not fast enough, choose Repeat Play. I am starting to see pauses and scratches and my DVD copy is dying. PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE CHILDREN by sending another. We’re just going to let Miss Patty Cake fade into a sweet memory for the girls and a permanent reprieve for me.

I realize this is a controversial subject. She’s a woman of faith who loves God and children and is bringing the story of Jesus to their dear little hearts. Bless her. I am a woman of faith who loves God and my children and I am also trying to teach my girls about Jesus, and it so happens I do that by showing Miss Patty Cake Videos, sometimes. Lord, have mercy on my ears, erm, soul.